Nervous Breakdown..

Am I imagining hurt?... I wonder...

My temper in the recent days is getting from bad to worse... I snap at everybody, I snap at everything... I even snap at my own self...

I have always tried to profile my character into list-able points, so that I can work at it, and stop myself when things get to messy.. My family especially knows my weakness very well, and have even seen terrible things that i did...

... maybe what he said yesterday was correct. Maybe what he said yesterday was so correct that he struck a multitude of raw nerves within me that hurt so badly.

Like the saying goes, "Fact is stranger then fiction, and more often then not, the truth hurts far more."

Yeah, I guess you're right. As I reflect more, even though I do not understand your reasons for bringing it up and forcing me to reflect, - you're right.

I do not have many close friends, and all the people that were close to me always felt that I am distant. I'm too distant to understand, to comprehend.
It's like a mental cage I put around myself.

Even to this day, I still struggle to look at people in the eye. Because as a kid, I was told that I had eyes which could murder people.
My bros would ask me to avert my eyes from my dad last time when he was punishing us because he would end up giving all three of us additional punishment when he locks eyes with me...

I never had much close friends, because I always felt that I should never reveal my weaknesses. What was the point? For them to comfort me? For them to burden themselves with a liability that they cannot shake themselves free off?

I always strive never to be a liability to people. I would rather disappear then allow myself to be a burden to somebody or a group. I hate the feeling of helplessness... When I need people, it becomes a burden to me.

I've told many people that one of my strongest beliefs in life is that when someone does good for you, you must return it back tenfold.
But there are some things that are totally unmeasurable in quantity...

How do you measure love?

How do you measure the times when he hugs you, ruffles your hair and give you an Eskimo kiss?

How do you measure a thousand stars folded with every bit of love he had, even though he is so busy?

How do you... measure the amount of tears he cried when you walked away?...

Some things are immeasurable, that's why when people say that, "gosh... why did you buy something so expensive?"...
is money something that make affection, emotion, sentiments, loyalty and love quantifiable?

I don't have many friends.

Because to me close friends are a burden. Not because they did anything wrong, but simply because they are beautiful chains.
They support you when you fall, they're there to hold you back when you're about to do something silly, they hold on to you because as you are chained to them, they are chained to you.

I don't have many friends.

... you're right.



That's what hurts so bad...

A Can of Worms.

I wonder. How far would a person push to get his way?
To justify his hate?
To nullify his emotions?

Alvin. You really, really, really pissed me off today. And the fact that I am writing it on my blog means I was REALLY pissed.

All your statements, ALL your comments, ALL your opinions were absolutely unnecessary, yet you kept stomping on grounds that were not even yours.
Something inside me broke.

Once, twice was ok. I understood. But after so many times, it does not make logical sense.

You want me to be your enemy?

What do you gain out of making those scathing comments about me?

You say you don't hate me, but I only see otherwise.

What is wrong with you?

Seriously?


Your emotions are all that matter is it?
So that you can justify, and fill your heart with hate isn't it?
So that you can edify yourself and convince yourself that "yes, he is as nasty as I thought he is."

You're happy now?

I havn't spoken so spitefully for so long.

You think you know everybody around you. You justify your knowledge of our mutual friends to thumb me down.
Is "our mutual friends" all the friends that I have.

sorry. I have far more friends then that.

A conversation that started out with well meaning ON MY SIDE, was mutilated, twisted and warped into a horrendous spit fighting the likes I havn't seen for years.









I told you halfway through the conversation that each word is a stab wound which you CANNOT heal once you say it.
It leaves a scar, in the place where your position as "friend" was.


whatever it is, you won the battle.

I really don't care about you, and I don't know you anymore.

I don't want to know you anymore.

It is people like you which fill the world with spite and hate.

People like you who only think of yourself before typing out the words to stab another.



I can't get the conversation out of my head.
I tried.



You really fucked me up big time.

Updates and Handphones

jeez. It's been a real damn long time since I last blogged.
I've got so many things on my mind, I've hardly had time to organize my thoughts.

Well... I realized that many of my colleagues read my blog, so I better be careful whatever I post. haha.. right Pree and Andy?

Anywayz, what triggered me to write this post is my annoyance over mobile phones.

WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY GETTING SO SLOW?

I think I sms less then a hundred sms-es a month, almost totally due to the fact that nowadays, handphone messaging is such a tedious task.
All along, just merely messaging a full text message with maximum characters involved would take me at the most 20 seconds.
NOW, for me to that, I think it would take me about 12o seconds.

Disgusting!

Arrgh... Isn't mobile phone technology suppose to improve with time, instead of decreasing efficiency and causing such terrible problems?

You have MP3 players, WiFi, Gaming and Video phones, Camera phones and even waterproof phones.
Yes, you have all this functions. But for what shit when the most basic necessities that make a handphone a HANDPHONE is compromised?

Reception has not improved over the years, short messaging systems are getting more tedious to send.
We might as well use a laptop?

Nah beh.
Really very irritating.

Want to send a proper sms also so difficult.

Grrr...

Well.... on a 2nd note, update on my life!

Pretty much enjoying singlehood now. No restraints, no commitments... I realized that I've lots more time and lots more money for everything!
... not that my stress level has decreased...

I'm going to ORD in another 3 more months, yet I don't have an upper study, and my boss is going berzerk. - again.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just kick back my shoes.. erm. I mean GoreTex Boots, absorb the ORD-ing atmostphere along with all those who are going to ORD along with me and just laze around.

Haha... I'll just throw all my jobs to another person.

Only thing is that person would probably hate me for that.


3rd Note:

My birthday was awesome.
no. My birthDAYS were awesome.
I'm seriously wondering why on earth my 22nd birthday was celebrated more then my 21st birthdays..

haha.... It's frigging great anywayz..
Thank you EVERYBODY for EVERYTHING!!

=)

4th Note:

There is something that is really bugging me about this whole AWARE saga.

I'll blog about it another day..





*grins*
Life is great.

haha.....
I just teared a bit when I saw this poster...

A Broken Piece.

There are some things in life where you get one chance at it.. and if you don't grab it, it's gone forever...
I think, I've encountered so many of that in my life, I wonder, if I grabbed it, what would my life be like now?

I really made a hell lot of mistakes in life, mistakes that I'm paying for dearly now.

I wish I never did certain things I did, but I can't really be sure I would be better off elsewise....



That nagging feeling in you that your potential is utterly wasted?
The sad feeling inside you that nobody will ever really understand...
Even if you have a flaming passion for it, nobody will really understand...

I'm not contented to be "men" (in army terms, anything that isn't a specialist or an officer)... but because of fear of losing something that was temporary dear to me, I gave up that only chance...

Till now, I really believe I could have been an officer.

People always ask.. "What's the big deal about being an officer?", "It's only just one bar on the shoulder!"
No.
Its the experience that I will never be able to face...
It's the untapped zeal that I'll never be able to prove...
It's the fact that I really hate losing.

I hate losing.

I hate losing to the point of insanity.

I lost this battle called National Service. All because I did something without thinking.

BECAUSE I FOLLOWED MY HEART INSTEAD OF MY HEAD.

Illogical reasoning.

Spastic incoherent emotions.

I should strip myself of all these irrelevant feelings...

I really hate myself for being such a weak person...


i really, really, really, really wanna be an officer...

but that chance has flown away, like so many other chances that were given to me.

....

sometimes.... just sometimes... I'll dream that I went through hell, fire, wind and waves to get the epaulet, when people do understand.
when they see, they'll know...

then I'll wake up... and I'll just hate myself for missing that chance I'll never get again..







... *cries*

Birthday Conclusions!

Gosh... I can't believe I'm 22 already. Jeez.. freaking old.
That means my time left to do alot of things that I want is running out - no thanks to NS wasting my time away.

Haha.. anyway, would like to thank everybody who remembered my birthday and especially those who even bought presents!
xD

I loove presents... =)

This is what I got for my birthday -
1) A HUGE sum of money from my mum and my dad... ok.. not really huge, but its the thought that counts really!

2) An extremely high fidelity Shure In-Ear Headphones that uber rocks. Now I can listen to music on the train without having to strain my ears or blast my iPod to the max.
~ Thanks to the 88 Queendom!

3) A really nice silver-grey Zinc Backpack. Haha.. have been waiting for an opportunity to get one for months, since my last backpack was spoilt.
~ Thanks RJ, XW Mei Mei, Clara and (I'm not really sure who else got it for me... haha.. but thanks!)

4) A pair of ORANGE AND BLACK Nike Training Gloves, top of the range and definitely one of the coolest looking training gloves I've ever seen!
~ Thanks to Brenton!

5) A Canvas belt by FreshBox! Finally! After three years of using the same belt!
~ Thanks to Alvin Leong!

6) A pair of lime green earphones! Totally awesome, the type I'd bring to the beach while I suntan.. x)
~ Thanks to Michelle, Candice and Jennifer!

7) An oreo cheesecake birthday cake and a cool looking personalized shirt with ASH!
~ Thanks to Simon and Haryanto! ASH Rulez!

8) A collector's edition Magic the Gathering, From the Vault Dragons set
~ Thanks to Alvin Yong!

9) The exact Blue GNC Bottle that I was wanting to grab! Ok, I thought there would be the shaker ball inside, but it still looks fantastic!
~ Thanks to Victor! (OKAY! YOUR DEBT DESTROYING MY PREVIOUS BOTTLE WITH A SOCCER BALL IS REPAID! xD)

10) A pair of Calvin Klein Jeans, a Giorgio Armani Belt and a whole lot of other stuffs!
~ Thanks to Nicholas! (haha.... don't tell anyone how you got it xD)

11) A piggy-pillow-speaker that can blast music without having to plug into a power extension.
~ Thanks to Lester!

12) A shirt (I havn't actually gotten it yet! haha)
~ Thanks to Cedric!

And of course, many people who celebrated my birthday for me!! All the surprise parties and the amount of people was really quite shocking..

Lol

=)

Love you guys...

As you grow older, you learn a hell lot of lessons along the way... Some people grow up faster then others, some still cling fast to their childish ways.
But we all must grow up one day.
And when we do, we'll look back at the time, when we laughed and we play.
With a sad smile.

Where has the little kid gone?
Where has all the noncommitted laughter
the safety of being a child...

You wake up now,
No longer with "what am I going to do today"
But with a long list of schedules, appointments
work, and work commitments

Sigh.. I'm all grown up now.
But deep inside, a caged child weeps.
And carefully, but surely, if you looked deep into my eyes
You'd see a glimmer of a once carefree existence
Waving back to you.


=/
emo.
=/
emoing.
=/
ok. emoed.

I've been on my cutting phase for about 2 months now, and my weight has dropped from 68kg down to 62 kg.
Massive muscle loss, water weight loss and fat loss. But still not enough yet.
Damm it.
Currently stuck at 14.8% Body Fat percentage.
I need to hit at least a 13% before I can gradually go on another month of bulking.

My standard routine per week now would be
Monday - Biceps, Core, Deltoids + 30 mins Intense/Moderate Cardio

Tuesday - Chest, Legs, Lats, Traps

Wednesday - Shoulders, Traps, Lats, Triceps, Core + 30 mins Intense/Moderate Cardio

Thursday - Rest

Friday - Chest, Core, Deltoids + 45 mins Moderate Cardio

Saturday - Rest or 1 hour swim/Moderate Cardio based sport

Sunday - Rest or 1 hour swim

Yup, this is my standard cutting routine, albeit gravitating a bit more towards the cardio side...
sigh...

Also involved in a frigging lot of stuff currently
- SMC Band, Main
- SMC Band, Youth
- TAG Publications
- Trevvy Youth Facilitator
- Freelancing Posters for Companies

Haha... but this is still very little compared to what I was loaded with about 6 months ago..

=X

i miss you so much...

... it's just so lonely without you here anymore...

*cries*

you belong here, in my heart...
not alone, out in the wind....

it hurts... terribly..

I am dying inside.......